Faith or Delusion?
During this experience, I tried to hold onto the belief that everything would eventually work out, but I also wanted to be able to look back on this time without regret. After all, the only other time in my life I didn’t have a job was right after college. Back then, I spent every single day searching for work, start to finish, without ever taking a real break. I didn’t use my graduation money for travel. I didn’t go on spontaneous weekend trips. I didn’t take advantage of that brief season when I had no responsibilities—no kids, no mortgage, no bills. I was so focused on proving to my parents that I would put my degree to good use that I forgot to live a little.
That memory stayed with me. So this time around, when joblessness came again, I made a promise to myself: Don’t make the same mistake twice. However long this season lasts, I want to be able to look back on it with peace, not pressure. I want to remember that I found moments of joy, rest, creativity, and freedom even in uncertainty. I don’t want to be haunted by another chapter of single-minded striving that left no space for living.
Strangely, I’ve been having recurring dreams about graduation. Sometimes it’s high school. Sometimes college. Sometimes coworkers are there. Sometimes I’m running late or people don’t show up. When I tried to unpack what they meant, the only thing I could connect them to was regret—maybe a fear of regretting this period, too. So I’ve tried to stay intentional: to find joy, to protect my mental health, to fill my days with purpose, even if I don’t have a job title right now.
There are hard moments, of course. And plenty I could complain about. But like when you’re a new parent and people say “enjoy it, it goes by fast,” I keep hearing a voice in my head reminding me: This too shall pass. So I’m trying not just to get through this season—but to honor it, to appreciate what it offers, and to trust that I’ll land exactly where I’m meant to. Only time will tell. But at least this time, I won’t wonder if I missed the point.
